You "Don't" Say.... (Part 1)

Bradley and I are approaching our 2nd wedding anniversary. We assume that most couples two years in have not had the opportunity to experience all of the life changes we have (i.e.  starting a business, getting married, having a baby, leaving a career, buying a house).  Tackling all of these things within our first two years of marriage has been no easy feat.

These are all things that this man I love, this man that God planned for me, this incredibly giving and generous man, has opened his mouth and said to me over the last 2 years. We actually wrote this blog together...sort of. He gave me "the list" and I provided the commentary. I love him more every single day.  I can't imagine my life without him.  And I hope he has learned as much in these last 2 years as I have. I will be in big trouble if he ever decides to write a blog...

1. "Are you mad at me?"

This is Bradley's favorite. Clearly the man is wise to my ways, because he can tell when I am even the slightest bit miffed. Well, now that you mentioned it sweetheart, yes, I am mad at you. Why on earth would you ever say this to a woman? Of course I am mad at you. Give me a minute and I will tell you why...

If you just assume that I am always mad at you for something, you may find yourself on the fun side of "making up" more often (wink, wink). 

2. "Can you sew up my pants?"

Bradley's job takes him outside a lot. He has several pair of "field pants" that have special legs that keep him from getting scratched by plants, bitten by bugs, and swallowed by quicksand, I imagine. His cheapness, however, prevents him from replacing these pants when they need  to be replaced. You have obviously lost your dang mind if you ask this one. Sure dear. In between serving dinner, cleaning up from dinner, feeding the dogs, cleaning up the dog pee, changing the diapers and washing your disgusting clothes, I would be more than happy to {watch a Martha Stewart YouTube video and} sew your pants. 

3.  "I understand."

Excuse me while I freaking LOL.  In no way will you ever even have the slightest clue, inkling or idea. You most definitely do not understand. Until you grow ovaries, breastfeed an infant, or have to shave your legs (in the summer), you will never understand. 

4. "I am so tired/exhausted/worn out." 

Oh really? So then you aren't the one who began snoring at 8 pm? Did you get up with the baby at 11pm, 12am, 1am (you get the idea)? Did you have to get up at 4am because your boobs hurt so bad and literally connect yourself to a machine that squeezes milk from your body?  Please.

5.  "You need to ______."

You obviously have a death wish if you utter these words. Let me tell you what I need to do. I need to sleep, pee, poop, eat, and shower. Just know that whatever you think I need to do will likely never happen if you say it out loud. 

6. "It's freezing in here."

I'm so sorry you are cold. Let me go adjust the thermostat to the 8th-level-of-purgatory hotness that would make you comfortable. Never mind that I have to sleep with a nursing bra on, spend half of the night with a child wrapped around me, and lay next to your body, which, while I love, tends to send out heat rays that would challenge the fires of hell. 

7.  "Your hormones are all out of whack."

Can you even tell me which part of my body these hormones generate from? That's what I thought. I welcome you to spend 9 months growing a child, eating for two, making dozens of visits to the doctor, and creating a "birth plan," only to have 1 minutes notice before you are put to sleep, your body is cut open, and a human being is taken out and almost immediately attached to your breast. Then we can talk about my hormones. 

***Before anyone gets bent out of shape over any of this, I have to tell you that Bradley is truly my best and most devoted  friend. I would never say anything that would hurt him, so I let him read all of my blogs before I publish them. This one was actually his idea, because we can look back on our experience as newlyweds and first time parents and we can laugh about it. We can cry too, but mostly we can laugh. These past 2 years have taught us so much about ourselves, our marriage, and our faith in God's plan over our plans. There is no one on earth that I would rather spend this life with, no one I would rather parent with, and no one I would rather tell to think before he speaks. 

"Dear children, let us not love with words or speech, but with actions and in truth."  1 John 3:18

Thou Shalt Only Serve Cous Cous on Bath Night (and other toddler commandments)

The following is a list of things that Bradley and I have learned the hard way. Here is hoping that you don't have to. 

1.  Thou shalt only serve cous cous on bath night. I can't lie. Watching my child learn to feed herself is absolutely horrifying. It's messy. It's disgusting. It will require a bath every night, which could lead to dry skin, which will require some good lotion. 

1a. Thou shalt purchase a drop cloth/drip pan/tarp for meals. We own a piece of plastic specifically designed for placement under a high chair. It is bigger in diameter than one of the tires on my dad's backhoe. It's not big enough.

2.   Thou shalt welcome small insects into your home. Toddlers eat everywhere. My kid is a grazer. She will have some breakfast in the high chair, but then she likes to go mobile with her second breakfast. Clearly she isn't Emily Post when it comes to table manners, so we've got crumbs. And we have ants. Lots. Of. Ants. I hate ants. 

2a. Thou shalt always have a friend who studies the "hoo-doo voodoo." My best friend Stacy likes the essential oils. She's convinced me I need them. I've bought them. Lots of them. Then I just wait on her to tell me what to do with them. (Lots of ants were murdered before the creation of this blog.)

3.  Thou shalt never, ever attempt moving with a toddler. We bought a new house. It's an old-new house, so we've got to make some updates before we move in. We (meaning I) are attempting to pack up the current home. Below are photos of our living room right now and the way I manage to pack during the day, respectively. 

4. The mama shalt always, always put on the bedtime diaper. We buy the hippie-dippie-doo diapers because they are supposed to hold the contents more...securely? Honestly, they work, but only if they are put on properly. This means placing it significantly above the bellybutton. My husband cannot do this. He knows it. He will bathe the child, lotion her up and then call me for diaper placement. This avoids pee leakage, or worse. 

5. Thou shalt not be "Judgey McJudgerson." I've judged you. If you are a mother now or even if you were a mother before I was, I've judged you and I am sorry. We are mothers. Regardless of how we birthed, adopted or came to have our children, we are mothers. Instead of judging one another, lets lift one another up. (And if you need to pay me back for the judging...my kid ate her breakfast off the floor this morning)

5a. Thou shalt DVR every episode of "DocDaniel's & McMickey's Neighborhood Lion Pirate Guard Clubhouse" episode that you can. I told you that I judged you. I was that parent who was never going to turn on the tv for her toddler. Fourteen months later, I am also that parent who needs to take a dang shower. So, record on mamas, record on. 

6. Upon learning you will be parenting the fairer sex, thou shalt choose an appropriate name for her lady parts. This is actually a conversation we had before Emma was born. I thought we had decided to call "it" her "TT" unless we were talking to the doctor. We decided that, until she's older, we didn't want to use anatomically correct words. My husband did great with this for the first month. He now refers to "it" as her "hooter." Bless.

6a. Thou shalt cut one another a little slack every now and then. Raising a kid is hard. It's fun, it's serious, but it is freaking hard. Go at it as a team and you'll be more likely to stay sane. Laugh when you can, even when it is totally inappropriate. Remember to purposely make each other laugh. (Like when your husband is traveling and gets to finish a little early and sends you videos of a cute little mountain town he's in...)

**People always tell you that time flies when your children are small.  I don't think you can believe it until you've lived it. It does pass by so very quickly. My encouragement to you is to embrace the chaos. I have never been a neat freak, a health nut, or a perfect spouse. Toddlerhood is definitely not a time to start becoming any of those things.  It's a time to learn who you are as a parent, to learn how much mess you can tolerate, and to soak up every messy memory you can.