Candidly Quarantined...and It's OKAY!!!

Disclaimer: This blog is in NO WAY meant to belittle the situation we find ourselves in as a nation.  I hold in the highest regard those who make the daily decisions about how our state and country should attempt to navigate through these unprecedented times. I have the utmost respect and pride in those first responders and health care workers dealing with this pandemic on the front lines. Finally, I have spent time deep in prayer for those suffering from this illness. Please do not see this blog as more than what it is, which is hopefully just a way to find some light and laughter in these uncertain times.

I've been a wife and a mother for some time now, so I'm basically an expert on all things marriage and parenthood. In my expert opinion, quarantine is COMPLETELY AND TERRIBLY AWFUL! So now that we've gotten that out of the way, I'd like to offer you some tidbits for surviving these trying times.

1. IT'S OKAY to skip home schooling for a day. Even if you hold a degree in education 🙋🙋, teaching your own child is sort of like that one year when you had all of "those" kids and your teaching assistant was on maternity leave and there was no money for a sub and they rolled out some new curriculum that required iPADS and PODS and you had to learn 14 new acronyms for "teaching strategies" and you were required to PLC every week and they were probably going to move you to first grade the next year anyway. If you don't hold an education degree, teaching your own children is probably a nightmare. It's okay to not be a teacher, feel like a teacher or act like a teacher.

2. IT'S OKAY to LOVE all of this time home with your children. Chances are, you've been working your tail off their entire lives and having them home with you is a celebrated and cherished time, even in these circumstances. Even if you're a SAHM (stay-at-home mom, your new acronym for the day) it's okay to continue loving this time with your kids and savoring each new memory made.

3. IT IS ALSO OKAY to not feel any of the above mentioned in #2. If you're a working mother, you are used to getting up and getting it done. You're missing your routine and your normal way of life. You may be worrying about how to financially survive the next few weeks or months and that is so stressful. Having your children home on top of all of that is wrecking you. It's okay. If you're a SAHM, it's still okay to not love this. If you stay home with your children full time you know what a hard job that is. On a normal day, you're able to get out of the house to find something for your children to do or you're able to send them to preschool for a few hours in the morning. Now, you're literally stuck at home with your children and probably a spouse on top of it. It's okay to not love all of that together time.

4. IT'S OKAY to break your "screen time" rules. Are there other things you could do to keep your kids occupied? Sure. Do you want to live in filth and never eat or shower? Of course not. It's OKAY to let them watch a little more tv than normal...whatever your normal is. I am about one episode of Cory Carson away from losing my EVER LOVING MIND, but I showered today...and that's a good thing. It's okay.

5. IT'S ALSO OKAY to not immediately turn into Marie Kondo on Day 3 of quarantine. Just because that one girl you're friends with on Facebook (because she was your college roommate's second cousin) is selling her entire living room to "simplify" does not mean that you need to sell all of your possessions on Facebook Marketplace. First of all, no one wants your old crap. Second of all, this is not a "simple" time in your existence. It's okay to let the house work go for a day. You've got nowhere to go tomorrow anyway.

6. IT'S OKAY to fall in love with Amazon all over again. If you can splurge on arts and crafts and outdoor toys and those new movies on demand, go for it. If you can't...it's okay. These times are difficult. It's easy to find comfort in frivolous spending, but I promise you, it won't get you where you want to be. If you have to think twice before you click "add to cart," then just don't. These times will pass and I promise you, you're kid won't remember what movies they got to watch during quarantine or what things you bought them.

7. IT IS NOT OKAY to compare yourself to people who seem like they've got this quarantine situation licked. They don't. They are holding it together the best they can, just like you are. It's okay to roll your eyes when you read their posts. It's also okay to do the fun things they share. It's okay. You're okay. You're kids are okay. This is not a competition of Survivor. It's life. People are annoying. It's okay. They are surviving the best they can, just like you are.

8. IT IS OKAY TO NOT BE OKAY. This is a weird time to be alive. It's okay to feel all of the feelings...happy, sad, angry, broken. It's okay. If you need to express those things, find a confidant. I guarantee you it's ANYONE you keep in normal contact with right now. They need to hear from you, just like you need to hear from them. If you really aren't okay, you know it. Reach out.

9. IT IS NOT OKAY to forget about your normal life things that keep you sane and balanced. If your church is offering some online churching...watch it! Hear it! Believe it! So you can't watch it Sunday? Watch it later. Watch last week's sermon this week. Just watch it. We serve a God who forgives. Be forgiven, but also be faithful. If you've forgotten what it's like to lean on God and feel that "lean in" in return...what better time than right now?

So, this is hard. But, it's okay. When we are all at  the end of our lives and looking back on this brief (because it will seem that way then) time, this will not be the hardest thing we've ever done. We have this time at home with our kids and it's either great or exhausting or both, but one day we will see them graduate, go to college or work and get married. That's hard. One day we will say goodbye to parents and spouses and loved ones. That's hard. 

When we think about our current set of  circumstances, it seems hard, but it is merely an inconvenience to most of us. A time in our lives when we had to hit pause. A time in our lives that didn't make a lot of sense. A time in our lives that was scary. But a time that God saw us through...and out of.

I leave you with the words of Jesus Christ himself. Nearing the end of his own life, he wanted only to comfort those who had followed him most devoutly, his disciples.

"Peace I leave with you; my peace I give you. I do not give to you as the world gives. Do not let your hearts be troubled and do not be afraid." John 14:27

Becoming a mother is, hands down, the most beautiful thing that has ever happened to me. Until I actually experienced it for myself I was never able to grasp the depth of that love. I get it now. I totally get it now.

But this blog is not about the beautiful parts of motherhood, even though, in retrospect, every part was beautiful in its own way.  This blog is about postpartum depression. It's probably going to get pretty ugly, so if you're not up for it, I suggest you move along. When I prepare to write a blog, I always consider the purpose of what I plan to write. The purpose of this one is simply to tell my story. It's probably similar to some you've read. My prayer for this blog is that it reaches that one mother who may need to hear that she isn't alone. Whoever you are, this one is for you...

Emma's birth was a complete whirlwind. Bedrest for a month. Preeclampsia at 36 weeks. Failed Induction. Emergency C-Section. I don't know when I actually got to lay eyes on my baby and I still don't remember a lot about those days in the hospital.  When we finally got home, life really was grand. We had this baby that we had planned for and dreamed about. She was perfect in every single way. I can't remember how far in to motherhood I was when the PPD hit me, but it wasn't very far. It started gradually. The recovery from my emergency C was rough and painful. I struggled from the start with breast feeding, which is something I knew I wanted to do. We were busting out of our tiny house and preparing to house hunt. Bradley was barely a year in at his newly co-founded company. I had decided to leave my teaching position after 9 very hard-earned years.

I wouldn't describe it as a bomb dropping on me, because it wasn't that intense, but it was like land mines going off here and there. I cried for no apparent reason. I ignored phone calls. I distanced myself from my inner circle, my husband included. I pretended we lived this perfect life. I pretended.

My baby was not thriving from my breast milk, so we began supplementing with formula. Failure at my natural-given ability.  Work required Bradley to travel more often. I can't hack it alone. Emma constantly received the "under weight" trophy after every single doctor visit. Fail. Fail. Fail. I am not good enough.

It kept on like this for a few months. I told myself I was coping. Coping meant treating my husband like a stranger when he came home. Coping meant finishing that bottle of wine when I shouldn't have. Coping meant yelling and screaming at God for all of these emotions that felt so wrong.

I can't tell you when the turnaround point was. I wish I could. At a certain point I felt safe enough to share a tenth of my feelings with my 2 best friends in the world. Conveniently, those 2 best friends had birthed their children 2 weeks before and 2 weeks after Emma, respectively. Maybe because they are my best friends, or maybe because they are just mothers, they didn't shun me. As a matter of fact, they embraced me.

I am not a medical professional. I am not a mental health professional. I hold EXACTLY ZERO degrees in either field. Before PPD I was a teacher, a fiancé, a hopeful wife waiting for a perfect stint at motherhood.  After PPD I am a MOTHER, a WIFE, a DAUGHTER, a FRIEND, a CHILDREN's PASTOR. I survived.

If you are that mom that needs to hear this, then HEAR this....

-It will get better.
-Tell your doctor about how you are feeling. It isn't weird. It's normal. You've birthed a child. Your body and mind will NEVER be the same. Don't expect it to be.
-It is tempting to shut yourself off from the world. Do that if you need to. But then crawl out. Tell someone (mom, friend, pastor, ME) how you are feeling.
-Know that PPD doesn't just go away. It will always be there. After Adley was born (not that it is anyone's beeswax, but via a much smoother, planned C-section), the PPD was probably worse. I was more successful with nursing, she slept better, she was just a GOOD baby...and it still crept in.
-Bow, Bow, Bow at the feet of Jesus.